Bucking Assumptions on End of Life
Bucking Assumptions on End of Life
Nov. 1, 2019
Lately I’ve been thinking a lot about assumptions and how easy it is to be wrong. Or, how just as easy it is to find commonality.
Shoshana and I were in Southern California a few weeks ago on the book tour and stopped by the Sisters of St. Joseph of Orange, a Catholic church in Orange County who kindly hosted us. One thing Shoshana and I are aware of as agnostics, is that we don't immediately turn to religion when we think about death and dying, which could easily create a bias or blind spot. We were looking forward to exploring the terrain, not really knowing what to expect, but open to the possibility of a good old fashioned debate.
To our reassurance when we opened up the conversation, all we found were points in common. I don’t believe our moderator, Sister Eileen once, had to bite her lip, and I’m sure neither Shoshana nor I did. Our love of creation, the notion of a full life containing suffering as well triumph, the beautiful and fundamental nature of compassion, the powers of forgiveness, and the mystery of it all created such a vibe that was instantaneously felt by all of us there. Judging from the feedback, the audience felt the same. It turns out there are some things bigger than legislation.
We left the Sisters of Orange with only a feeling of love for each other in the air.
The second assumption to get sweetly blown-up concerns the conventional idea that young people aren’t interested in death. The idea that they think they’re invincible, that they’ll live forever, and that dying is not a young person’s subject. But of course that’s not true. We spoke with a group hosted by The Dinner Party, an organization where friends and strangers alike can meet in a safe environment to talk about their experiences with death, loss, and grief without others— and the audience was predominantly young and Millennial-esque.
We need to mean it when we say death is everyone’s subject. These young folks are ahead of the game. They see the failings of the healthcare system and our societal denial of death and dying. They don't want to see that same unnecessary heartache for themselves or their loved ones.
Millennials seem so adept at observing those older than themselves, reflecting and staking out a different tack forward, from communications to climate, from relationships to death. And this willingness and confidence holds great hope for the future of our species, including the future of dying in America.
So, thank you LA for welcoming us so kindly, and for proving how much bigger and better reality can be than assumptions might allow. And thank you, mortality, for giving us so much in common.
-BJ Miller