We're All Afraid. Here's How to Cope.
We're All Afraid. Here's How to Cope.
Jun. 22, 2020
COVID-19 has been with us long enough now that we are no longer surprised by its presence. Even if we find a way to defang the virus with a vaccine or a cure, that day is months to years away, so we are learning to live with it. That’s us humans trying to accommodate reality, and what a very healthy thing to do.
Though this virus is novel, it represents something ancient: a threat to our existence. And over time, we’ve come up with tried-and-true ways to manage ourselves in the face of such uncertainty: love, prayer, acceptance, creativity, meditation, laughter, to name a few. Let’s take a closer look underneath those techniques and explore what might be gumming us up in the first place as we try to adapt to this new reality.
When you think about the end of your life, due to COVID or any cause, would you say you’re afraid? Sad? Curious, confused, or numb? Maybe you find it hard to ponder your own death at all, and that’s not surprising; it’s a very tricky thing for the mind—the tool through which all of life as you’ve known it flows—to imagine the world without you in it. Every emotion under the sun comes into play when contemplating mortality. But among them, none is more deeply rooted than fear.
Mortal fear is the mother of all fears. Psychologists and philosophers call it angst or dread; clinicians are beginning to adopt the phrase “existential distress.” Whatever you call it, mortal fear is in a class by itself because its source is inside us.
While we may fear COVID, it’s helpful to remember that COVID is just a means to an end (death) and that end is in us. Death is a little time bomb planted deep inside, but none of us gets to know when precisely it will go off. This alone should help us get comfortable, or at least familiar, with mortal fear, as we all have access to our inner lives. And as the Buddhist teacher, Pema Chodron, puts it: “Fear is a natural response to coming closer to the truth.”
There’s dying and there’s death. The first is more straight-forward. If you believe that none of us has died before, then it’s safe to say that fear of dying comes mostly from what we imagine dying will be like.
The good news here is that a frightened imagination is almost always overly pessimistic. From witnessing countless deaths, I can say that dying is actually often peaceful. (Indeed, it generally seems to be harder on loved ones who have to live on. This is an extra important note these days when many of us worry about frail loved ones whom we cannot visit. There is nothing good or fair about the specter of dying alone, but take some heart that you, the loved one, are more likely to be the one in anguish).
Then there’s the fear of death, of being dead. Seneca, the revered Roman thinker, wrote two thousand years ago, “We mortals are…lighted and extinguished; the period of suffering comes in between, but on other side there is deep peace….We go astray in thinking that death only follows, when in reality it has both preceded us and will in turn follow us.” All major religions have some tradition and language to remind us of life’s transience. “Remember that you are dust and to dust you shall return,” goes the liturgy on Ash Wednesday, the holy day of repentance in the Christian tradition. By making death a homecoming, philosophers and prophets have attempted to help us keep our lives in perspective and to remind us that our decisions matter because our time is not unlimited. Indeed, we have death to thank for the experience of preciousness.
Coming to terms with death means coming to terms with time—and not just with the fact that the future is suddenly constricted. Yes, there is that fear of missing out, but there is also a fear associated with looking back in time.
That particular fear has a name: regret, and what a gnarly beast it can be. You begin to realize the impossibility of correcting the past, just as you realize you won’t realize every one of your dreams. One way or another, mortal fear becomes connected to the fear of not living your life while you have it. This gets at both the problem and the solution: All our limitations, both forward and backward in time, can bring into focus what is still possible (and therefore where to place your precious energy).
TREATING FEAR
Modern medicine tends to treat fear as depression or “generalized anxiety disorder”, for which we have medications like Prozac or Valium. But, importantly, mortal fear is different: it has nothing to do with mental illness. In fact it is a vital force that shouldn’t simply be snuffed out.
There is important stuff wrapped up in this fear; namely, the search for meaning, one of humanity’s greatest compulsions of all. Who am I? What am I doing with my life? Is there a higher purpose to all this? Why me? Why not me? These kinds of big questions, and the feelings lurking around them, signal a time for investigation. Instead of running away, we’d encourage you to come closer.
You might try to talk yourself out of your feelings, as though the problem is one of attitude, but whatever you’re feeling there’s no shame in any of it. These feelings are both protective and instructive; they will tell you a lot about yourself, about what’s important to you, where you are vulnerable, and what needs attention.
The idea is to stay engaged—interested even—in how you feel about death, rather than cowed or too terrified or angry to face it. If you can see your feelings for what they are, you are less likely to be whipped around by them (and less likely to whip others around with them). Engaged, you’re more likely to feel safe and make sound decisions for yourself and those you love.
So, in this time of existential crisis, if it’s fear you’re feeling, maybe that’s something to be proud of—or at least appreciate. You’re a living animal after all, and this proves it. We will get through this time, but our feelings about death are likely to linger and, perhaps, evolve.
Can you use this opportunity then, in this time of massive disruption, while there’s less day-to-day momentum to carry you away, to look fear in the eye and see what it sees? In other words, can you be curious about what fear is trying so hard to protect you from? You might find the view is not so scary. And vitally important, even, as it helps you think about how you are living now and where you might want to head next, while you can.
For more info like this, check out the paperback version of our book A Beginner’s Guide To The End available June 30th at your favorite bookstore, and on Amazon.